[QUOTE=ruby]

Hi Ruby, thanks for asking this important question I am divorced and I find it really inappropriate when people ask me about my ex. I've even had people ask why we got divorced.

The reason it's not good to ask is because its of a deeply personal nature and, as I think Sarah pointed out, divorce is a painful process under any circumstances. Why remind someone of (possibly) their greatest pain in casual conversation? I realize that was not your intention. I'm just explaining it from the other person's point of view. I only ever discussed those topics with very close friends. And they had the good grace to wait for me to raise the topic; otherwise they didn't bring it up.

Another one that drives me loopy as a woman who chose not to have babies : "Why don't you have children?" or "When are you going to have children?"

Here's a general guide which may help you in conversation with anyone you are not close to:

AVOID:
- politics
- religion
- sex
- family problems
- diet/weight loss/body image (I used to work on a team of people obsessed with diets...it got so uncomfortable eating with them with their constant analysis of the caloric content of everything they and myself were eating that I started taking my lunch at a different time in a different room!)
- dating (unless they bring it up and seem to want to chat about it)
- money (Qs about what something cost, a person's rent or mortgage etc)
- anything that seems painful or uncomfortable for someone to casually discuss such as: disability, a death in the family, serious illness, divorce, infertility, unemployment, emigration - immigrants typically experience a lot of really rude comments and Qs. Unless someone has a very high CQ, it's best not to even go there in conversation.

Options for casual conversation:
- music, books, films, TV shows, art
- the weather (you have to start somewhere and it doesn't offend anyone
- something funny that happened to yourself
- work
- hobbies
- travel
- food *provided in a positive way about fun restaurants or meals and not diet/weight loss etc

Consider WHO your communicative partner is:

- anyone with authority over you such as a boss - tread even more carefully there
- is the person a complete stranger or a close friend or a casual acquaintance?
- what's their personality like? Open? Guarded? Talkative? Quiet?

If in doubt, try something like "Would you mind if I ask about x?" or "Are you comfortable sharing about y?" That said, those carrier phrases aren't a get-out-of-jail-free card! We have all known people who say "I don't mean to be rude but..." or "This may sound harsh but..." and then the proceed with a comment that should never be voiced. I have a friend who is medically very overweight. People say things to her like: "I don't mean to be rude but that outfit isn't flattering on you!" They are obviously being rude. Though I know you weren't Ruby I'm just throwing out ideas here to help you think the topic through.

When you mentioned going back and apologizing to your boss, I wanted to give you a hug!!! That was thoughtful and emotionally intelligent. No need to beat yourself up...we all inadvertently say the wrong thing at times.

I had a colleague who asked a wildly inappropriate political question about my homeland during an after-work party. I calmly shut it down. The next day at work she apologized. I could tell she didn't mean any offense. I thanked her for the sorry and we were able to move on and work well together