I'll start by saying I've been hesitant to dip my toe in here...
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Originally Posted by Wander
I saw him yesterday and alluded to my lack of trust in the mental health system and that there is a conspiracy for clinicians to keep me unwell. I held back the strength of my feelings as I just wanted to gauge his response. I have seen him for eight years so had developed a deep trust. I thought I was clear headed but he said I was hypomanic and indirectly said I was paranoid.
Anyway this morning I woke early after little sleep and immediately continued obsessing over this. I feel I can no longer trust my T as he is part of the system that is trapping me. So I send a text to my T to that effect and said I can’t see him next week as I am too scared. He never got back to me. WTF!
Today has been a day of deep obsession, euphoria, playfulness, energy, racing thoughts, and panic. I am on my own now. I must heal myself. I cannot trust anyone else.
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From what you wrote, can you not see how he might think you were hypomanic and paranoid? I mean, you can disagree if you want, but the evidence is there. (And as an outsider, I can tell you that I see it. In this and in your other posts.)
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Originally Posted by BirdDancer
Wander, what are you hoping (or expecting) your tdoc to say when and if he responds? Do you expect he'll defend himself? Apologize? Beg for your trust? Other? Perhaps he's trying to figure out his best approach.
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This is an excellent question.
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Originally Posted by Wander
You got me there. I honestly don't know what I am expecting him to say. Maybe having his betrayal confirmed (as I suspect). This is why I am so panicked. Realising he is not someone I can trust is breaking me. I don't think I can bear it.
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So basically, it seems you are expecting him to say that your paranoia is not paranoia. That puts him in an impossible situation. It is no surprise (to me) that he hasn't responded. What can he say? If he says your paranoia is not paranoia, he would be lying and it would only escalate that paranoia. If he says it's paranoia, you will not believe him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wander
Have you ever been convinced you cannot trust them and that they are conspiring against you in some way?
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It might be worth considering how much you've talked all these people "conspiring" against you. That's usually a good sign we're talking about paranoia. You've also mentioned a lot how you can't trust anyone and that only you can heal yourself. "With your mind".
Do you see why I have been hesitant? I don't really know any gentle way to say that you do not seem at all well. Is this something you're willing to consider?
Remember, I've got nothing to gain in saying this. In fact, I worry that you might get ticked at me, but it pains me to see you like this, so I must speak up.
Wishing only the best for you...