Good questions..... I see no good in attachment or closeness with anyone, let alone a T. I've spent my entire life keeping people distant. I'm still able to have friends but I don't get deep sadness or anything when things end, it's more like "Eh" and I move on. I was VERY hesitant and scared to feel close to T, he even knew this, everything within me was screaming RUN but I thought, just once, I'll fight it, trust him and see what happens.

For a while, it was great. I felt happy, I liked myself. I felt like I mattered and like someone saw value in me. It helped me so much in day to day living, just knowing that. We didn't have to talk daily for me to keep those feelings. I thought "ok, this isn't so bad."

We even got super close in Oct and Nov and started out of session work, and everything was awesome. Then he said he was leaving, my first thought was 'I knew it'
Session 1....I said "I am not sure I want to do this long term, you will hurt me, you will leave me, I know it" and he tried to assure me that it would be different. He was the king of "I'm not going anywhere" --- even when he was miserable and open about wanting a new job, he always said I could follow him. He left me, with barely any notice, right about Christmas.

Everything has been a nightmare since. It all feels like a lie, like this one person, who actually made me feel loved.... which I never feel from people, ended up being like everyone else in my life, and I now feel worthless. It was all a joke, just a sick game he got paid for.

There is no way I will ever get close to anyone again, T or not. I will listen to my instincts again like I'd always done in the past and run. There is no good in being close to someone. None at all. I think it's just part of the game.... luring us in, so we trust them and share everything, they know full well they will leave us and hurt us someday. How anyone can WANT that job knowing that is beyond me