As others have said, you can't erase memories. I think it's great that you're looking into options to help alleviate your pain, though! As for EMDR, I've heard of people doing it by themselves without a therapist. I don't know if that method is at all legitimate, but you could look into it. And for meditation, there are many apps you could use, I believe (I find meditation very triggering due to my own issues, so I can't recommend one, but I've heard other people raving about them). I also know that lots of people find yoga helpful psychologically. You don't have to go to a class - there are plenty of videos on YouTube. I think netflix might have some, too. If you enjoy art, there are also art therapy books you could use.

My heart goes out to you, DP. I wish I could do something to help. It's hard to hear that you feel worthless and are crying yourself to sleep. I can only watch from the sidelines and cheer you on, I guess. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.