I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Just know that it's a physical cause, and it always comes with the worst outcome, often too late to stop before a crisis happens. This wasn't you, it was your illness, and when one is ill, it isn't them--people aren't their illness. I myself feel as though I have an albatross weighting me down because of the chaos I started. This is going to sound harsh, but in an ideal world people shouldn't take mentall illness personal because of this physical cause. ((hugs))