I think I want permission to tell him. And for it to matter to him. And for him to really realize how bad it was.

And "can you look at me?"
a request, not a demand
He's asked it a few times and I wish he'd ask it more often. I don't know how to tell him that.
It's reassuring even when I'm not actually able to. It tells me that I wouldn't see disgust or contempt, and that he wants to show me that. It's also permission. I feel like I'm unworthy of looking up.