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Originally Posted by FearfulMother
Sorry to hear that. My first cousin is also going through the same thing. When she was a child, she heard some people say "i can not imagine something moving inside of me" (that was one trigger) and the other one was when that comedian Chelsea Handler said "I don't think I would ever be able to carry the baby to full term, I would feel so trapped". She keeps on repeating these 2 thoughts and I don't know how to help her.
Last year she was pregnant and miscarried because of the abnormalities (Trisomy) and before she was referred to an abortion, the doctors told her "You can not get an abortion until the committee approves the diagnosis" and she freaked out. She could not imagine that she was trapped with something inside of her without having the control to expel it or keep it or to do what she wanted. May be she is a little controlling but this was really a traumatic experience for her. Please don't judge.
Anyhow, she was pregnant 3 times. First time the feeling was good and she felt proud but her husband wanted her to abort, so she did. Later on they decided to have children, and she had two miscarriages. First was early in pregnancy and the second one was at 4m. She was ok with it at 3,5m but then they told her something was wrong with the fetus and for her, even thought she later on cried and felt deep sorrow, she still felt relieved.
Now that she is supposed to be doing ivf, she is afraid that "what if she changes her mind in the middle of the pregnancy?" or "how will she react when she feels the kicks of the baby for the first time, will she freak out?". This is a sensitive issue and she tried talking to a therapist but without much success. She can not talk to her husband or anyone else since the society does not understand this kind of fear.
I thought that may be this is because she generally a person with low self esteem? Or may be because her own mother was not really a warm person and she never developed a warm relationship with her? I don't know what to tell her. She is at the borderline age where if she does not do it soon, I am afraid she won't be able to do it later-at least not naturally.
She has this one IVF shot now or never. OK, may be not never because the IVF she can do later, a month, two from now. In the meantime, I don't know what to tell her what to do and how to calm her down. Ironically, she does want to have a child (her own) and she knows that she will be a great mother once the baby is "out". I know that too because she is a very nice, warm and rational person. Together we visited many websites and we came across a term Tocophobia, but other than defining it, we didn't come across any answers on how to deal with it and what to do. Like i said, she was fine past 14 weeks, may be this was the answer for her, that she would be ok, but now again that she is preparing for the pregnancy, she is freaking out with all of the questions I mentioned at the beginning.
She is for some reason not connecting to the idea of being pregnant in a way other women do. She is also generally doubtful of people (had a hard life, turbulent upbringing etc) and I am thinking may be she is doubtful of people, human beings in general? I am not a psychologist so I don't know what to say and how to help her. She asked me recently "what if I decide to terminate the pregnancy at 25 weeks, where can i go, where can i do it?" Together we searched the net, thinking may be if I give her answers and security in light of “you can control what to do with your body (gave her names of the clinics where they perform late abortions) that this would calm her down and actually make her want the baby, and it did somewhat but only until week 22 or so. This is where her “25 week question” comes from .
Like I said, her biggest fear is of being pregnant itself. Are there any other women/couples who have gone through this? Any psychologists or other women with similar fears she could may be talk/contact online? How can this anxiety be overcome? Please help. Educated and empathetic responses will be most appreciated.
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Hello FearfulMother. So you are posting about your cousin or friend, do I have that right? You are not her mother? So sorry your friend is experiencing so much turmoil.
You mentioned that therapy was tried unsuccessfully. What type of therapist? It sounds like your friend needs the support of an experienced psychologist with a background in treating women who have complex feelings about pregnancy and parenting. I don't think the fear of carrying to term is an isolated fear...I think it is likely linked to deeper anxieties. These would need to be kindly explored by an experienced professional.
If your friend feels only comfortable being pregnant with a late-term termination as a back-up plan, I think she needs time and therapy before considering conception. She sounds like she is experiencing intense anxiety which needs to be addressed. Pregnancy adds a roller coaster of hormones and emotions. Childbirth can be anxiety-provoking for many women. And newborn infants tend to bring sleep deprivation and even ~ a full year of hormone imbalance for the mother post-birth. That can occur even in the best-case scenarios with women who happily became pregnant.
I worry that your friend would be at high-risk for post-partum depression or post-partum psychosis. Endeavoring to push through intense anxiety with a late-term termination as a back-up plan does not sound like a peaceful or safe plan for your friend. I am also doubtful that MDs would agree to that plan due to the medical and ethical implications.
Does your friend have a good MD to talk all of this over with? Even if she has not yet found a good therapist? MDs meet women from all walks of life with various feelings about pregnancy. What does the IVF doc think about this? I feel the medical team should be in the loop because they may be unwittingly setting your friend up for a lot of problems by helping her to conceive via IVF at this point. Even surrogacy or adoption would bring a lot of emotional considerations, stress, and pressure. As i said, I don't think the fear is solely about the pregnancy. I think it likely pertains to deeper fears about loss of control, caring for a 100% dependent infant, parenting etc.
What can you do for her? Other than trying to help her locate an empathetic and experienced psychologist or encouraging her to openly discuss the fear with her MD, provided she's willing to, I don't think there's much you can do. She's an adult and will make her own decisions and the folks around her need to respect her boundaries. Other than professional support which I feel she desperately needs, it sounds like she needs loving kindness and listening.
If you two are very close and she trusts you, and she is feeling calm during a chat with you, maybe it would help her if you diplomatically ask: "So have you thought about why are you wanting to proceed with another conception given that you really aren't feeling well currently? Do you feel pressure to have a baby? Have you discussed this with your hub?" Perhaps that could help her open up and provide some catharsis for her. I wouldn't try that more than once though. Again, you need to honor her boundaries as does her husband. i'm not sure if you said how he feels about things at this point. if she were my wife, I'd honestly be really worried about her well-being.
Peace and healing energy to you and your friend
