T session yesterday. I got to T's office about 15 minutes early. Paid the receptionist my copay and made an appointment. Got one in 2 weeks from now so that feels pretty good. I sat in the waiting room with two other people. One was singing along to the radio which I found very annoying. (There are several T's and PDOC's in the same office so those people were waiting for other T's or PDOC's.) I like having quiet before I see my T but I couldn't control the environment. I could feel myself getting anxious though. I kept bouncing my leg up and down.
T came and got me on time. She was wearing a matchy-matchy outfit but it actually looked good on her. Usually I think she dresses kind of frumpy and it can be distracting but it wasn't. She was not however, wearing the black flowers in her hair like usual. I kind of missed those. I handed her the paper that the front desk gave me and she handed me back my receipt. I walked in front of her (awkward as always) back to her office and sat in my usual chair. Although I did wonder what it would be like to sit in the other chair but it is closer to her and I like being a little further away. Odd because with former T I liked to sit as close as possible to her while still giving her space.
We started off talking about how my sleep has been. I'm still sleeping too much. But I told her that I took her advice and I'm trying to just force myself to do stuff whether or not I feel like it. We talked about how that was and what I had tried. When I did stuff with other people did I enjoy it? Yes, but not initially. Afterward I would think, oh that's not bad. Or, I had fun. But the anticipation of having to socialize and do stuff was worse than the actual event. I told her that I'm trying to stay up later, even if it is just a half an hour so I'm not going to bed every night before 8 PM. (Sometimes I go to bed by 6:30 PM.) I told her that my pastor said that even a 0.5% change can lead to a bigger change. If every day, I make a 0.5% change, then over time that will add up to something like 10% in a couple of months. So basically it's the small steps that count. If I can master the small steps, then I can make some bigger steps, or more smaller steps. Of course some days I am better at this than other days. Some days I still stay in bed or go to bed early. But I'm trying. I don't know if this is actually having any effect on my depression but it may be that it is so slight that I don't notice it. I'm trying to give it the benefit of the doubt.
We talked about my SH.
So she recommended the rubber band on the wrist which never really works for me, and so I told her that. I told her that holding ice can help but that I don't always have ice around, like when I'm at work. Not that I should be SH-ing at work but well, I'm messed up so...Then the other thing she suggested is journaling. I said I have trouble expressing my emotions but I could give it a try. She said the trick is to not overthink but to pick up the magic pen (yup, she said magic) and write like stream of consciousness and just let stuff out. Then when the words stop, you're done. So I may give it a try. I figure, why not? What have I got to lose.
We did not do any eye movement stuff this week which I was glad of because all it seems to do is make me dissociated. But maybe I don't see the effect that it has. Again, I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt.
We talked about distraction..reading, and TV, and Disneyland. We talked about whether or not I should pursue more education. I'm just trusting God to either open doors or close doors and so far it's been closed doors. So I'm either not ready yet, or I haven't found the right place yet or something. Or this is not the right path for me.
We talked about my Mom's foster mom coming for a visit. She tends to be critical and that can get to me after a while. I'm pretty good at shrugging it off but sometimes I can't just shut it off in my head. We didn't really talk about ways of managing it. We kind of ran out of time.
I didn't dissociate. So I thought that was good. I was pretty talkative (mostly because I didn't want to give her a chance to do any eye movement stuff on me). I feel myself getting a little more attached to her which is scaring me. Full on scaring me. I don't want to attach to her. I do like her, but I don't want to attach to her. It's hard to know if she's helping me. Sometimes when one is really depressed, one cannot do really deep therapy. And sometimes incremental change can be hard to see at the time and only by looking back can I see it. So I may just be impatient or frustrated and that's okay. We stood up and I said thanks, and she said my pleasure. Then I walked out and could feel her watching me until I got to the door. It's rather unpleasant as I don't like that feeling but I get that they have to make sure that you exit.
Questions/comments welcome. Kit