I have been struggling with depression really badly the last couple weeks, but also my entire life since I was 14. I’m 44 now.

My mom, her husband, and myself all live together. Our names are all on the mortgage and bills. My mom and her husband hate each other and never speak to each other so there’s constant tension in the home. My mom and I get along pretty well most of the time, mostly because I suppress my feelings. Her hubby and I don’t really talk much except once a month to pay the mortgage.

My mom has all these secrets from her husband and one of them is her “sock money”. She keeps a stash of cash her husband doesn’t know about so she can go do things without him knowing. It makes no sense to me because they have a joint bank account and he’s never denied her anything in the 20+ years they’ve been married but whatever. My mom usually tops up her cash by taking out an extra $40 when she gets groceries, or I’ll pay her to look after my animals or clean my room when I go away. She sends my brother money a lot but she gets me to etransfer him and then gives me the cash so her husband doesn’t know.

She said the other day she needs a new computer. I have a brand new one that I bought a year ago and never ever use. I told her she could use it. I don’t really want anything for it. It’s just sitting there. Her husband said she could spend up to $1,000 on a new computer.

So now she wants to email me the money and then have me withdraw it and give it back to her in cash. When she asked me to do this it just sent me over the edge. I said it was fine but my anxiety went through the roof, I started sweating and got nauseous. I am just so sick and tired of being in the middle of their **** and I have no way out. I could have said no but on what grounds? It would irritate me at the best of times but her timing just sucked on this one. I just emailed my T and told him a) I’m suicidal right now and b) I want to terminate therapy, so I’m already emotionally spent, anxiety-ridden and on edge. This just made me lose it.

I don’t know what the point of this post is except to vent. I am so depressed, lonely, hurting, sad, anxious, and tired. I just don’t want to do this anymore.