I have been struggling lately with deciding whether or not to stay in my DBT group after continuously feeling very vulnerable, stressed, and a week ago I was really triggered.

I was so triggered that I called my therapist and left a phone message in which I vented. I didn't even realize I'd been angry with the facilitator. I called the facilitator the C word. It felt safe to do so, and I thought it was confidential between me and my therapist.

While on the phone with the facilitator this morning (I was asking her if i could take time off group, she said yes), I found out this morning that last eek when I left the venting message for her, my therapist had been concerned, and I guess something didn't add up for her or the facilitator, who she had a conversation with (I had not indicated when they saw me that I was so upset with the facilitator - I honestly didn't realize in the moment though). The facilitator ended up asking to hear the message and said / thought it might be helpful to her. So my therapist let her listen to the message.

I think that the main thing here is that I feel violated, and in a sense, betrayed. That wasn't meant for the facilitator to hear. I didn't even mean what I'd said. I never gave permission. Now she knows I called her the C word.

I ended up apologizing to the facilitator. I meant it. But it also felt weird. I did not get an apology from her. She did not ask for an apology from me. But it just felt right to apologize.

Now I'm struggling with shame over feeling anger and expressing it like I did. I'm beating myself up.

This is the first time I've felt any kind of unprofessional and like "omg wth" vibe from this place. I have loved it there up to this point. I've been there for like 2 years, maybe a little over that.

I do think I'm going to have to speak to both my therapist and the facilitator and tell them how I feel about this.