T yesterday. Went back and sat down. He was wearing jeans, which he only occasionally wears. He apologized for us having to change our time, saying he hadn't realized his son had a half-day (D does too--same school system). I said was OK (feeling better that it was because of his son than due to another client). I mentioned doing research on stuff from 3 years ago, trying to figure out what other things had happened around the time that I'd been unfaithful to H, looking at postings on PC, emails to ex-T and ex-MC, etc. T: "You must have quite an archive then." Me: "Yeah. And you should be glad my emails to you are nowhere length of those to ex-T. They were ridiculously long. No wonder she got upset with me." T: "That was on her to say something, not you." Me: "Yeah, but I should have realized."

T said that if she didn't say anything about it being an issue, it was completely natural for me to continue sending them, even making them longer. T: "If no one says what you're doing is wrong, it's human nature to push boundaries and is often subsconscious." Me: "OK. I mean, I know I've probably done a bit of that with you, too..." T: "But it's normal to do that." Me: "OK. With ex-T though...I'm sure I told you this before. But she didn't say anything until once--I mean, she didn't usually respond, but then she replied to a couple less-important ones in a row. Then there was one that I thought was really important that she didn't reply to. Plus she had seemed to be acting weird to me, like more distant. And that led me to ask, and that's when she said that they kept getting longer and longer and were taking up too much of my time."

T: "You know there's a term for how she was acting toward you." Me: "What do you mean?" T: "Like when she was acting differently toward you but not telling you why. That would be passive-aggressive." Me: "Oh. Yeah, I'm used to that from my mom. You mean in her only telling me she was upset about the email length when I asked?" T: "No, that part was more aggressive. I mean the acting differently toward you, not replying to emails, like thinking you'd get the hint without coming out and saying what she was thinking." Me: "But I would think as a T, she might be more direct. Plus I get the sense she's pretty direct in real life."

T: "OK, I'm going to say something, but I don't want you to think this applies to things with our relationship. Because it doesn't." Me: "Uh, OK." T: "But sometimes, someone might tell someone they're unhappy about something, then their reaction might make them not want to share that in the future. Like, for example, with ex-T, if she'd started to say the emails were getting long and then you started crying or otherwise seemed upset, she might be reluctant to say anything again. Not that I'm saying that's OK. It's more of an explanation for why she might have done that." Me: "I probably did get upset if she said something." T: "Again, this does not apply to our relationship." Me: "OK, thanks for making sure I realize that. I assume you would just be honest with me, no matter how I reacted." T: "If I told you something and you got upset about it, then we'd discuss your reaction." Me: "Yeah, I guess we've done that before." T: "Yes we have. And I think it worked out OK, right?" Me: "Yes."

I went back to the stuff from 3 years ago. I said what led to me doing the search was . I said I'd been really emotional about it and had thought maybe H had reacted to it poorly, which could have led to me feeling distant, but it turned out he understood because of a similar experience with someone he knew. I also realized that a woman close to my late grandfather, who I'm called aunt despite her not being relative, had passed away a few days before. And I'd felt guilt for not being in touch with her much after my grandfather died 15 years ago (she lived 4 hours away).

I told T how H and I had also had a big fight about money around that time. And how we'd rescheduled ex-MC that week because of an impending snowstorm. That I'd told H that I felt like we could have just waited a week, but that I was struggling with the grief stuff and that ex-MC had a calming effect on me. And H had said, "I know he has a calming effect on you, and I'm not 100% comfortable with that." T: "Oh! He said that? Did he explain what he meant by that?" Me: "Not really, I tried to ask, and he just repeated what he said."

I said we did address it in the ex-MC session, which was the afternoon of when I was unfaithful. Me: "I keep saying unfaithful. Maybe I should be saying 'cheated' because 'unfaithful' sounds less bad. It's like I'm whitewashing it...wait that's not the word." T: "No, that's the right word. And 'cheating' and 'unfaithful' mean the same thing to me, so." Me: "OK."

I said how in session, H had just said he was "99% comfortable with it" which felt different to me. T: "Maybe he had more time to think about it? Or maybe he hadn't really thought about it at all." Me: "Yeah, I don't know. But ex-MC tried to ask him about it in session, and he said something about transference and how it just made the hair on his neck stand up. Which...I don't know if he was trying to suggest he thought there was something else in my feelings for ex-MC." T: "It's hard to say. You could have asked, I guess." Me: "But that would have put me in a weird position, sitting between him and ex-MC..." T: "Yeah." Me: "Maybe he realized there was something else there at the time?" T: "It's hard to say."

I said how in that session, ex-MC had kept saying it wasn't him that had the calming effect on me, but how H was to me in there. And how it had felt very invalidating, but that I'd felt I couldn't really say anything back because it would just be awkward.

T said he could understand H feeling uncomfortable, like if his wife said she was getting that sort of need met from someone else. Because it would suggest he wasn't giving her something she needed. He said it was like if I said to H "I really need a laugh right now, so I'm going to hang out with these friends," suggesting that H couldn't give me the laugh. Me: "I'd think especially if it was a male friend." T: "I was trying to take that part out of it, just that other people were meeting needs that H couldn't." Me: "Oh OK."

Talked more about ex-MC, what happened at end, where maybe just then he realized that I had more romantic feelings for him. But I felt like I'd shared love feelings for him before. T: "But maybe it didn't really hit him until that email. You might have shared it before, but he thought it was something else." Me: "Yeah. And he did eventually say that before he thought it was paternal love, but the email felt like something else." T: "Oh, he actually said that?" Me: "Yeah." T: "If he'd realized it earlier, he probably should have referred you out." Me: "Yeah...but I mean, when we first met to discuss the transference, fairly early on, I'd told him it wasn't just paternal." T: "But maybe he still thought it was." Me: "Yeah." T: "Though...even after he did realize your feelings, after that email, he still wanted to keep you on as clients." Me: "Hm...yeah. If he'd referred us out earlier, he would have saved me a lot of pain..." I forget what he said to that.

Me: "I also keep thinking...ex-MC kept saying I should work on the transference with ex-T. But then she wasn't really helping. And ex-T wasn't helping with some other stuff either. I feel I wasted a lot of time spinning my wheels with her. Like I wish I'd left her earlier to see...whether you or someone else. Though maybe if I'd seen you a few years ago, I'd have met with you a few times and then just been like, 'nope!'" T: "That could have been the case. I think you may have needed that time spinning your wheels. You may have needed that to really be ready for change, to move forward. A few years ago, it may not have been the right time." Me: "OK that helps to hear. I just worry I was wasting time. Though...it was like I needed that one thing to happen with ex-MC canceling again and me not wanting to wait a week to get me to make appointment with you. So, maybe it was just the right timing." T: "Yes, it could be."

We had about 10 minutes left. Ended up on topic of my unhealthy emotional dependency on ex-MC, which we both agreed was a thing. How ex-MC had seemed more passive (in saying he was OK with my contact whenever I checked in, accepting other things) rather than passive-aggressive or aggressive. And I said I didn't really know what his boundaries were, what was OK, what wasn't. T said his being unclear on his boundaries was an issue. Me: "So is there healthy emotional dependency?" T: "Yes, there can definitely be healthy emotional dependency. It would need to be in a two-way relationship, like spouses, friends, to some extent parents and children, coworkers. It can be healthy to have some emotional dependency on someone. To have that connection. Otherwise, what do you have?" Me: "Yeah, I guess if you don't have any dependency, it's not a real relationship." T: "Yes, it's good for people to be able to depend on each other."

Me (asking horribly loaded question with 5 minutes to go): "So, the therapeutic relationship is basically just one-way. So...what does a healthy therapeutic relationship look like then?" I think I may have dissociated a bit during his response because I was so stressed about his reply. He said something about it staying within the boundaries of the therapeutic space...or something? Like nothing that would push the therapist to go beyond the boundaries they're comfortable with? I don't know...But I couldn't really ask him to elaborate because we were out of time.

Confirmed Wed.--T said I could still cancel up to 24 hours before if I preferred Thursday (birthday) or Friday. I thanked him, we scheduled for the following Mon/Thurs. T: "I don't know if I told you this, but I'll be away the week of Feb. 18." Me: "You said you'd be away late Feb., but not specifically when." T: "OK, so it will be a week, and I'll be checking email once a day--like if you miss when I'm checking it, would be until next day." Me: "OK." T: "and I won't have phone/text access." Me: "OK." he said he'd have a T as backup if I wanted, for a session, phone call, etc. That I could think about it. He'd just need to know in advance as he'd want to give her brief background on me, not full file, just basics. But I had 3 weeks to decide.

Went over and paid. I'd said earlier that I thought I may have a bit of a cold, so we didn't shake hands. T: "I hope you get through tomorrow OK" (referring to anniversary). Me: "Thanks." Headed out. Kept thinking about the healthy emotional dependency only being in 2-way relationship. Which made me worry about my relationship with him. Ended up having email exchange, where T said he didn't think I had an unhealthy dependency on him and said he probably shouldn't have used the word "dependency," which can have negative connotations, because he meant something more like "connection." And that he may have confused us both, and he would think more about what he meant before our session tomorrow (a day early, due to my birthday Thursday), so he could clarify. I do appreciate his willingness to self-reflect--I feel that was something that ex-MC was lacking.

Comments generally OK, EXCEPT please nothing about whether you think I have an unhealthy emotional dependency on T. As that will not be helpful to me. Thanks.