I was in pretty high spirits when I got there. I finally had a new poem for him to read so I take it out of my bag, and he sees another piece of paper and goes, "What's that other one?" So I said, "Listen, T-- when you go trick-or-treating on Halloween, do you just accept the candy that is given to you, or do you ask for more?" Hahahaha... then he told me that when he was a kid him and his friends would throw eggs or rocks at the houses that gave bad candy, but he was never the one to throw the rock, lol.

Every week I find it easier and easier to talk to him about things that I used to be mortified of telling him-- things I swore I could never say. I started talking to him about sex with my husband, how I wanted it, how it felt, what it was like for my husband, etc. I couldn't believe how easily this was coming out.

We processed the hand holding thing. He told me he knew that at that moment I needed a real connection more than any other time he ever saw. He said that it also conveyed his emotions towards me.

Then I sort of "checked out" because a lot of the SI stuff came up. It was really hard and I was filled with overwhelming feelings. T talked about how on Saturday we need to find a way to make it a bit easier for me because he doesn't want me getting traumatized every time we talk about this.

When the session was over (and as usual he had gone past the hour and a half) he said, "Here, let me help you up" and he extended his hand to me (I was sitting on the couch) and I took his hand and got up. For a moment we stood with him holding my hand and he said, "Remember how this feels."

I went into the bathroom after the session and had another crappy reaction in regards to feelings about my SI. When I went out to my car, I just sat in it for a bit listening to music because I was crying and did not feel comfortable driving. I had my head down. T was leaving and I guess he saw me in my car on the way out so he came over and knocked on the window. I rolled it down and he asked if I was okay. He wanted me to tell him what was going on so we talked for a minute and then he just stood there looking at me with this really sad, concerned look in his eyes. The last thing he said was, "You can call, you know."

Sigh. This is a rough time for me. I know I have a great T.