Why am I so unimportant to the point where my wishes do not matter?

"Your grand daughters birthday is coming up" Well, she is not so old where she will remember me in 2 years.

"Your grandkids love you and will miss you" Well, I love them also but they are better off without me.

"Your kids will be devastated". Well, that sucks but guess what? I will be gone regardless of any action or inaction of mine eventually. It won't matter.

Insert every other single guilt trip that just makes it clear that I don't matter in the slightest. So why stay????

So, I have to spend my days alone, with no purpose, no value and for what? So I can spend more miserable days alone? Really? I know I am freaking horrible, ugly, disgusting and completely without value. I learned that lesson yet again but that is not enough? When will it be enough?

My throat problem is getting worse and there is not a single ENT in the area that the VA can get to accept my case. The nearest VA ENT is 5 hours away and they refuse to see me also. Sometimes I have trouble breathing, sometimes drinking water is difficult but I guess I just need to live with it?

Not too mention all of the "incidental" things that CT scan found that point to serious but sadly not life-threatening things that my doctor won't do anything to help because they were not the point of the CT. I need to live with that also?

Of course there is the small matter of facing who knows how many more decades alone. 17 years and counting with potentially decades to go and no chance for even one friend I can do things with in person. It must be because I am so awesome and totally not hideous and I need to stick around for more of it.

I could have stayed in bed all day yesterday and today and not one thing would have changed. I can do the same tomorrow and the day after and nothing will change.

At some point it should be okay for me to call it. I live in a state where if I had terminal cancer I could end it with a lot of support. But because my mind is terminally sick I have to suffer with it alone? I will grant you that I deserve limitless pain, but that doesn't mean I am okay with it.

The worst thing is that all of this isn't quite enough motivation for me. Please push me.