Very reluctantly saw my T today as I am sure someone(s) in authority are out to control and manipulate me. He told me he could do nothing for me if I didn't trust him and wouldn't work with him. When he asked why I was even there I explained I was testing to find out if he was one of them. As terrified as I was I felt able to speak more half way in.

Once I opened up about my imminent plans to end my life as this situation is impossible to escape from he mentioned hospital but said 'you'd probably be against that', to which I agreed. How can I put myself in treatment with one or more of those out to harm me? Yet my only solution is to end my life. I sat there tearing my hair out. I am trapped.

Near the end I somehow got through the million screams of NO and contradictory thoughts and broke down. I wanted to live but have seen my death and know I will do it in the next two days. On this he had to act. He is contacting my pdoc who I now see tomorrow. If I don't show up the police will be after me!

I am ****ing terrified. I am still sure someone or ones are controlling me and they are in the medical profession. I want to live but have seen my death. It seems inevitable. I am going to play along but the first sign of mischief and I am running.