First, I told T about my week. I had seen some family over the weekend, have been spending most of my time relaxing at home, since it's my last week of free time before starting my new job. Then I mentioned not remembering as much as usual about our previous session. He asked what that meant. I said normally I remember a lot of details, what exactly he said as well as transitions, how things fit together. This time I didn't.

He asked what we talked about that day. I responded that we discussed my behavior from the session before that one. We tried to understand why I act liked that. He also had asked about me being angry. He confirmed that we had talked about these things and said he doesn't think it's too bad to not remember everything.

Then he mentioned the part about being angry again. He said how I always say I'm not angry often. I replied that in session I'm not, but I am with other people. He told me that I had written in my notes on that session that I had been angry even if only for a short period. I agreed, but it wasn't about him and only very slightly. I also said that he always notices when I'm angry with him. He asked how and I said either I turn away from him or I directly tell him.

He asked why I'm not angry as often with him if it often happens outside of our sessions. I answered that it would mean I don't like him anymore. He was confused by that, he said he's sometimes angry with his children or wife too... he said I have a different opinion on anger than most people, that most think it's negative and destroys things, but not as extreme as me.

I also mentioned that people tend to get angry and leave if I express my own anger. He then went on about how maybe I'm trying to surpress anger in session since I'm scared he might leave and then it comes out as other emotions or crying. How that might be unconscious. I told him that I never feel angry in those moments and he said of course it's only a theory but it might be that way. But that he can't really tell what's going on inside me and that's a hard part of his job.

We talked about how I show my anger with other people. I said as a teenager I used to scream at my mom, then she'd yell back and then I'd go to my room, slam my door and listen to really loud music. Now I mostly just yell at people. I brought up an example from this weekend. I went to my parent's place to go walk their dog. They had just cleaned the apartment. I went to the bathroom and somehow some water got on the floor while I was washing my hands. My mom afterwards complained about the whole room being 'dirty' again already, even though it was just water. T laughed about it and went through how I responded to it with me (I actually didn't tell her I was bothered by her reaction, we discussed some alternatives of what you could do, like distraction or mindfulness).

T said how I had mentioned my French teacher in some of my notes and that I'm still angry with her. He then said how I had written about her saying I should 'talk to God'. He said that sentence made him laugh. I told him that phrase used to make me very angry. It's such a stupid sentence. Especially since I used to believe in God, but around that time I stopped since I was of the opinion that if there was a being that truly loves all humans, then it would not let anyone suffer the pain I was going through. T understood. He asked why I think she said that. I said I don't know and that it's the worst sentence I've heard all my life, I can't understand why anyone would say that. T said how I had written that I said I have nobody to talk to and she responded with that, so maybe she wanted to say that there's always somebody to talk to. I told him that it's still a bad response...

I then went on about other things she had done wrong. She'd often say how she didn't believe me. I mentioned a few different occasions where that happened. And that she didn't understand my way of thinking.

One example I used was one time where she asked me whether I talk to other people who are homosexual online, on a forum or similar. When I told her that I don't, she didn't understand, told me she'd do that and that anybody who's 'normal' would feel the same way as her. T then said how he had said something similar two years back (I was very surprised that he remembered), that he asked whether I sometimes go out to meet gay people. I told him that asking is always okay, but telling me my way of thinking is wrong is not, and that's also not what he does. He agreed with that.

He suggested that in such a situation you could just explain why you're not doing it, stand your ground. I replied that nowadays I would probably do that. But back then I was 12 years old and it was an awkward topic to discuss anyways, especially with a teacher. So it was kind of hard. He understood and also said that some of the things I used to discuss were very intimate and I was very young.

After going through all my examples of her making me angry, he asked whether I showed her my anger. I said that I stopped talking to her. He asked whether she might have been annoyed by that and I said that would've been the goal. How people who hurt me deserve to suffer.

I started to cry a lot. He immediately asked whether I'm thinking about something regarding that teacher. I nodded and he asked what it was. I said I was bothered by the fact that people didn't leave me alone. That they made decisions for me about who I would talk to, about what I would talk, who would know what I tell somebody. That I didn't feel it was okay for them to just decide over my head. He listened and said yes a lot. When I was done he said that this was in the past and not happening now. I nodded and started doing some deep breathing.

After some silence, I told him I'd like to look at him and he said 'then do it!' So I did and he smiled at me. I was happy about that.

I did some mindfulness, trying to concentrate on my breathing. T asked me whether I'm still having memories and I said no, how I'm just trying to focus on breathing. He asked me some questions regarding a book I'm still reading on that and said that we can always discuss if I have questions on it.

Then we slowly started to wrap up and said good bye.