Today’s session felt quite disjointed. I began by telling R that I am struggling with anger and how to contain it.

‘The filter is on today…what I really want to say is, this week has been really tough.’
‘Do you feel as though you have to contain your anger?’
‘Yes.’

I explained that I had a reflexology session on Sunday, and struggled to answer when she asked how I was.

‘You know how I feel about that question. I always want to follow up with ‘What do you mean?’
‘It is a big question.’

I admitted that I was concerned about my anger coming out in ways it shouldn’t, and referenced my irritation at a small mistake in watercolour class.

‘Oh.’
‘Judging by that, you know what happened.’
‘Go on, Lost.’

‘The Critic woke up and I really struggled for the rest of the day. I did not swear, but I did ask ‘Why does this matter so much?’’

‘You were angry, and you didn’t express it. That is a big question.’

Then I realised that I could ask myself the same question about my experience. I pointed out to R that the ‘wasted time and energy button got pushed yesterday’. She asked what I meant, and I explained that the energy I put into the drawing was wasted in the same way as the energy I put into those people.
She pointed out that there are two different responses to my mistake ‘I am so useless’, and ‘Oh, I put so much time into that’ – it sounds like a bit of both.
I confirmed, and then ended up saying ‘If something you invested eight years of your life into explodes in your face, you have a right to be angry.’
‘Can you say that to yourself?’
‘Something I invested eight years of my life into blew up in my face. I have a right to be angry.’

I unlocked something at that point, and reached for her hand. ‘I am feeling really frustrated at the moment, and trying not to cry.’

‘You are feeling like you want to cry, but something is stopping you?’
‘Yes.’

R asked me to describe what anger is like for me – ‘some people see a colour…’ I described a steely-grey lockbox, not quite big enough to contain what I am feeling. We turned to the notion that I had a choice. ‘Leaving the idea that you had a choice aside, was what they did right in your opinion?’

I told the Critic to piss off, and then said ‘It was inexcusable.’ I continued to highlight the ways in which these people knew they were causing me pain, and mentioned the fact that they sent the photos I had asked not be sent.



‘They saw the pain I was in after Chris’ death, and they wanted some of that for themselves. That’s ****ing twisted.’
R closed the session by highlighting the fact that we had come full circle, from self-directed anger ‘to anger at those who deserve it.’
‘I am going to need the last part of that sentence again.’
‘To anger at those who deserve it.’
I explained that the difference this time is that I feel understood. ‘I don’t always feel like I explain myself well, but if you feel like you understand, I can’t be doing too bad a job.’
‘I’m going to reflect that back to you. Do you feel like I understand?’

‘Yes.’
‘You said that you “couldn’t be doing too bad a job”…keep that in the bag, and the next time you feel that anger coming up, try to realise that it’s not directed at you.’

R said that she’d noticed today was the first time I had named an emotion I felt at the time and still feel. She pointed out that there was a time when I really struggled to name any emotion I was feeling.