Hi All,

As you may know I had a doc for whom I had strong parental transference. He did his best, was always extremely well intentioned but my t says, was pulled out of his role, experience and expertise.

I read this absolutely fascinating article (link at end) and saw that that was what he was trying to do, or groping his way too, in an organic fashion.

I felt he could see and feel it instinctively (what i needed to heal; he was not ignorant of the area, and directed me to trauma info etc) but, as the article points out, this is seriously specialised work, and the therapists themselves need serious supervision, oversight, training.

So anyway, the attachment and emotional deregulation embedded in his personhood was getting unmanageable as so he stopped.

It's almost funny and defo comforting to see one's self in an article. It makes me think there is hope for getting better.

Anyway, the way in which he pulled the plug was a bit complete and felt very harsh. Although there is the point that I would have pushed back dysfunctionally against any lesser type break.

So a very short meeting with someone else there and that's it. No explanation. Prob cause I regressed and was in shock. He just said unwell and transference and emails.

I want closure. To tell him thank you for the help he gave me. That it worked to a really far extent. That I'm so grateful for that. That I understand why the treatment had to change. That I hate it with a vengence but can see why it's necessary. That ultimately I'll be fine and maybe even better (not really feeling this one; only intellectually. In person I've skived work all week (without notice) and languishing in the crevasse in a pit of despair).

But I'm scared I just want this so that i can see him again. Or at least one of my parts does for sure. She misses him (the him in her mind as daddy so so so much).

And a part does want to tell him the above genuinely so.

And a part does not want to see him.csuse it will just start the initial big pain again.

So I'm confused.

I tell myself the best thank you is get on with getting on and healing. In 1 year or whenever I can get closure if still need it then. I can tell him then.

I don't believe he's not bothered and my therapist doesn't believe this either but there are indirect ways I can show him at a remove that I am alive and keeping on if not thriving.

Oh well. I'm going to take the dog for a walk and try and feel my feelings, instead of burying them by reading PC 😊🙄

http://www.traumacenter.org/products...lect_G0003.pdf

EtA: nah back on the sofa. Got as far as putting shoes on. Nap it is. Dog not happy. 😫😫