I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I think the most important thing you wrote here may be what you wrote last: "I needed to tell this to someone, I can’t keep it anymore." As much as one might want to, a person can't keep this sort of thing bottled up. Even if you can not act on any of the thoughts you're having, the anxiety of carrying this around will, I fear, wear on you over time. I think, in some way or other, you may have to find a way to talk with someone in real life about all of this. I'm sure that seems like a really scary thing to do. But I don't know how you get past it otherwise. (By the way, your post wasn't too long.) My best wishes to you...