I don't think she's too bothered by it. We are both similar in the keeping distance and not sharing emotions etc. She just shrugs it off and we go on laughing about something else. She knows I don't believe she will stick around, she always tells me I can't get rid of her that easily. I still don't believe she will stay. She will get sick of me, just like T did


As for wanting to be loved. I thought I did, but if love is at all similar to what I had with T, then no. Love brings hurt and pain and I've had enough of it. I remember once I wrote him some notes and one of them talked about how during the loss of my dog he made me feel loved at times. I wasn't sure how he would react but he said "Good" and smiled. I carried that with me for a few months. Everything changed when he left though. I think he was just happy that I felt it, even though it wasn't real. He wanted me to have an idea of what it might be like but I already know what real love is, it's what I get from my dogs.

Sadly... he had made me so happy and believing in myself so much. I actually thought for a while "Maybe I am a worth while person" but then he followed the others that I stupidly trusted in my past.... he left. He showed me it was all fake. All a lie. I don't matter and I never did. This is what I am gonna struggle deeply with in therapy because I don't think anything they say will make me believe otherwise again.

As for the care here... ya I know. I appreciate it. It's nice to be cared about sometimes. So thanks