Mulled the letter writing over and I think I may try the letter I don't send if anything.

I'm defo an inveterate email writer, and writing helps me get my thoughts in order but I suspect the focus on him in an intellectual way may not be helpful.

One of the last things he said to me was that we've got to get your brain to stop thinking. And actually the 3 times I've cried over this have been cathartic. I actually wanted to try again but, as a novice cryer, don't think l've cried in a decade, I need a certain kind of environment that I could not access tonight. So I don't mind thinking things through but writing I sometimes use as a defence mechanism.

As for writing to him but not requiring an answer I think I'll expect one. Would be like if he cared he would respond (even if I said don't respond cause like obvs I don't mean it).

So then I'll be upset all over again from the beginning. Like today I was in the clinic he works and was like if he cared he would be loitering to 'bump' into me. Obvs he didn't so I was upset. Or a part of me was.

A part was like he's not bumping into you precisely cause he does care. But that is intellectual knowing not feelings.

So current thinking is just suck it up. ****