Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Bird
I was very mad this morning at myself and felt like crap. So I decided to counter all the ED thoughts. I have been somewhat passive about recovering because there's a small part of me that still wants to get to that "perfect weight". So anything negative that came into my mind I said something to counter it and positive things. I've dealt with this for half my life. since 12, I'm 24. The thoughts have been there since 12 because even though I wasn't overweight at all a family member, my brother, called me all kinds of names and told me I was disgusting and fat,..etc constantly for months and I started hating myself and believing I was. He wasn't joking, and it wasn't like he was a kid and didn't know better, he was like 20 years old then.
I'm not blaming it on him, he didn't "cause" the eating disorder but it definitely didn't help and I started calling myself those things ever since then, for the past 12 years, it's just so ingrained and I have to stop it.
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That's terrible. Mine is the standard ED formula - sucky childhood: sexual abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, zero approval from my father, perfectistic, straight A student (graduated valedictorian though my class was small - 109 students). I did get straight A's & 1 B (Physics II was a killer) in a large college in Microbiology, a major that weeds out many pre-med students. ED started when I was 18, and I'm 41 and still have it. I have lived more years with the stupid ED than without it and even more if you consider I had low self-esteem & negative thoughts about my weight all through high school.
Sometimes, I have brief periods of sort of recovery, but when life's problems add up, I turn to the ED like it's an old friend.
Even though, skinny is never skinny enough, reach a goal, go lower, and I would never, never go back to my lowest weight. It wasn't even living a life at all though I fantasize at all the bones that showed then, how tiny I was, but the truth is, my life (if you can even call it that) sucked so bad at that weight, why would I even think any part of it was good or want it back?! It baffles the mind.