I just realised I am ****ing furious with him for handling it the crapass way he did. Stupid stupid ****wit.

A part doesn't want to feel anger cause it's scary and will make him go away for ever. Yes I know he's gone; that part feels there is still hope if I'm a good girl and do everything right, he'll take me back in time. It's a test. I just need to be prefect and find the key to love.

A part wants to let the torrent free cause it makes him human and flawed, not the idealised person in my head - can I still love him if he's not prefect? If I do can people love me as I'm not prefect?

There is also the point I am repressing even as I write this that the torrent of anger is also against other people. I can't even write/think/admit/articulate who.