Quote:
Originally Posted by granite1
in the end i think there are some things that bother me about this new laxness .but what is scaring me the most is i think i might like it . her availability to me . i also can fantasize about sitting on her couch shoes off wrapped in a soft blanket talking to her (she does this ) i have spent years not allowing myself to feel this comfortable with her,in fact actively fighting against it .it was not hard when seeing her in an office. she would never take her shoes off or anything . now seeing her just relax and be comfortable and so homey(is this a word ). it temps me but for me seems a recipe for disaster .
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I think the "recipe for disaster" comes from the past, and it sounds like that was true with the former T and the saunas etc. So I think your fears are understandable but you were younger then and it was a different T and it might help if you could try to take this as a new situation.
I think your T might be deliberately cultivating these "homey" images of herself as a way to communicate to you that her vulnerability of being in her bathrobe and doing therapy with you in her home means the opposite of you "contaminating" her. I think she is welcoming you into the softness of the space closer to her and that is just fine with her, that she doesn't think you are the horrible person that you feel you are. I wish you could accept the truth of who you are, which is not a terrible person. I'm sure you have your flaws and all, but there is nothing bad at the center of your humanness.
What if you imagined folding yourself into the softness of this space with your T, and welcomed it as part of your therapy? To me the issue is do you think you can make progress? I tend to think so, from the perspective of an outsider.