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Part of me not doing anything useful, I watch TV shows and movies all day long, and in one show today someone said something very true. He said "in life you don't get what you deserve, but what you fight for". I lack this trait. I don't fight for myself. I retreat all the time. I need to learn how to be a warrior, not in the physical sense, but in my mind and actions. To be resilient. To keep fighting, and keep standing up whenever I am knocked down by life and others.
Here where my previous abuse comes into play. I was programmed in the idea that I am no good. I've become afraid of failing and being criticized that I don't even try, and I quit very quickly at the first setback if I try. I know I need to do something about it, but I am struggling so much.
So embarrassing to be like this at this age; to be very weak, which makes me feel weaker and more depressed. Everything in my life is depressing. Not a single thing is uplifting. Everything pours into this dark and deep lake of depression.
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