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I think I don't enjoy the field I have chosen, and my reason to go to grad school was not the right one. I wanted to study computer science, but my father wanted me to be an "engineer". I actually almost dropped out of graduate school after 4 years in, because I couldn't handle the struggle and the negative emotions. I was alone and lonely in a foreign country. My whole world view has changed in that period. I have become resentful. Isolated. Negative. Very sensitive (i.e., fragile). Unmotivated. Angry. I wasn't like this before. Now I am worse than ever. The years take me steps back not forward. Now I am teaching myself programming. I have returned to the point where I was 15 years ago. But why I keep writing about this. It only makes me feel worse.
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