Hi Forum,

Not written a letter yet (or at all) mainly cause the opportunity was not there, but done some thinking. I'm thinking now that I want to ask my therapist to write to him to say I'm ok, it largely worked and thank you.

My aim in doing this is to let him know I'm ok - the awareness that a person was so distressed they tried SU in a context you are involved in must be horrible. I want to remove that. He cared as a professional and I want to ameliorate any concern or worry he may have. Why? Just as the decent thing to do from my adult part.

I want him to know it largely worked, cause it seems to have, and he put himself out. He exceeded his boundaries but with good intentions. He also stuck his neck out for his ideals and I want him to know it was worth it and so, in the future another person may benefit. I'm very very grateful.

I'm still processing this and writing it out to help me so comments welcome.

I had a good/good enough weekend with moments of contentment, enjoyment, and some insight into giving real life significant emotional support. I did think at the time - this is real life messy, difficult to do support - it's not a fantasy, a construct, one sided, easy for me to lap up and revel in. It felt different and like more true. So although I knew before I loved the person transference built and wanted that person's care I really felt the difference of what I need to work to. Messy, difficult humanity. So the spell of the transference lessened a bit.

The little ones continue to feel at ease - they continue not to feel abandoned. I'm not entirely sure how that works but there is something more solid there. So it seems to me that the 'treatment' continues to work to a large extent.

A part still misses him dreadfully. Dreadfully so. But I tell myself that if I had that ok weekend then this is more like a breakup or a bereavement - by those I mean feelings, deep, huge, painful feelings, but feelings within normal boundaries - not some sort of trauma pathological reaction that I'm wholly disregulated as a result of. Freud's normal human unhappiness.

In the article there was something about realising and accepting that with somethings one just will not know why they happened and that's ok.

I'm trying to apply that to whatever his reasons are. Does it like even matter? If I can understand my part in it may that be enough? So I'm trying to be open to the possibility of never knowing why he did it now and in the way he did but seeing what my feelings are on the matter and sitting with them and bringing them to therapy for some serious discussion.

The upset part does still think, if I'm good, all will be well eventually with daddy. That feeling is still alive but I don't feel that it is the operative reason in wanting to make him aware of the above three points. It's there for ure and I need to work through it.

I don't want to write my self cause once I start I'll be pushing the boundaries, I'll expect an answer and I'll just restart the upset again.

I'll talk it over with my therapist cause I have to be ok if she says no, or helps me uncover some unhealthy reasons such that it's not a good idea to make him aware.

But that's where I am at the moment. Hugs l.