The most dangerous time is after being discharged for being suicidal. So maybe they are worried that as you feel better your risk will increase? You've been through so much and it's really hard to not want to give up when that happens. That was how things were for me (although I had less psychosis and fewer hospitalizations) until Clozaril.

I had one admission pre-clozaril where I finally got the nerve to tell a nurse that if they sent me home I had a complete plan set up. I was supposed to be discharged in 2 days. I was kept a lot longer and had to have a safety plan but it was hard seeing how rattled my therapist and pdoc were because I usually tell them when things are that bad and that time I just couldn't. It scares me now to look back at that time and I am so glad I wrote that letter even though it put me on line of sight supervision which kept me awake and which I generally hated and begged to have removed.

You'll get through this. You have great courage and strength and you've managed so many hard times in your life.