Time and time again I've found myself thinking of acts of violence so brutal it doesn't seem even relatively okay, most of the time it is towards somebody who i have seen as evil. sometimes i see myself as evil, thoughts have been progressively more worrying. im not sure how i even thought of this but i worry that if i lose my mother or a sibling ill lose myself. i feel sometimes like the best course of action is to be killed but i see suicide as an act of weakness. i think everyday about how i hope i have a brain tumor or i get shot, or i could die saving somebody and then redeem myself and i can sleep forever in the comfort of death. i know that these thoughts are far from acceptable and even having them shows there is something terribly wrong with me. i have a therapist but he doesn't seem to focus on the issues i am actually worried about. i used to get angry then violent but now its a calm state where i can picture precisely what i would do and just the mention of a rapist makes me focus on it and i cant seem to let it go and all i want to do is hurt them. i'm not sure what i am or why i am the way i am but i feel like i'm not just one person sometimes like I've got three modes almost i know i am me but sometimes i don't know who that is, if that makes sense. i cant seem to focus on any one thing for too long i've tried creative outlets but its like letting an ocean through a keyhole and i fear ill spiral into drug addiction as many i know have.