Thank you for your support MickeyCheeky, I can feel you care. The problem is that my natural personality needs to know what the truth is. When I was 6 I was looking at the stars and I said to my mum : "I'm very interested in the universe. I want to know the real truth ". I was only 6 and no one taught me such things, it came from my own desire. I can't live as an atheist I'm not a materialistic person. My personality type needs spirituality but my trauma (and rationality /logical thinking) makes it impossible. I have literally the worst combination of personality traits, cognitive abilities and experiences possible. My heart and emotions can't exist without spirituality, hope and meaning. I see symbols and patterns everywhere, I need to see the bigger picture and connections in everything. But my brain rejects every spiritual theory as irational BS.
I have a curse of having both brain hemispheres equally active but there's no communication or synchronisation between them. Maybe it's a neurological pathology.