I'm so sorry, seeker33 I understand what you mean. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you have many wonderful traits and many positive aspects - it's just that you can't see it at the moment. You're definitely not alone in this. Lots of people are struggling with understanding what the Truth may be. I know it's hard. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. I'd suggest therapy for you, but I remember you saying you're not interested. I don't have a lot of advice to give, but I'm here to listen. Either way, remember that we're here for you. Feel free to vent here as much as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say. we care about you. Sending many hugs to you