I know no one is interested in my ranting again. I'm sorry. I don't expect that anyone will be able to help me. So I consider this mostly venting.
I still don't know who or what would help me! I'm scared of seeing new age pictures. Today I accidentally saw a picture of Buddha in a magazine and I'm immediately triggered. It makes me anxious and scared. The same as all other new age pictures, chakras, auras, shamans and even universe in a spiritual context.
Or they say being in nature is spiritual. Sure I absolutely love nature, I go to the forest, meadow or field almost every weekend when the weather is nice. I love animals! But being in nature is relaxing and psychologically healing. That's all. Nothing spiritual about it. Nature won't help me. It doesn't guarantee that bad things happen for a reason. It doesn't say everything will be OK even when we struggle now. So yeah, nature works 100% as a relaxation tool, but no connection to spirituality for me.

I'm not a fundamentalist, I don't even live in a Christian environment at all. This isn't anything rational, it's purely emotional, it upsets me greatly and I don't know why. I get almost ptsd flashback from any mention of eastern or alternative spirituality.
That stuff is everywhere! Such as people sharing crystal shops on fb, customers wearing red bracelets for protection, people referring to "universe" or "karma". Hearing any of these makes me anxious and scared and it reminds me that there's no purpose and no protection in this life. No one who helps or cares about us.
I wish I could be a Christian but I can't do that fully because it doesn't make logical sense.

But what's absolutely the worst is that I keep having emphatic experiences and precognitions that come true which would suggest new age is real however I HATE that stuff and it seems fake and superficial to me. I tried it when I was 18 and a result of meditation and chakra work was deep depression, self harm and social isolation. As well as derealisation. I will NEVER do any energy or chakra work!!! I absolutely hate having some kind of "psychic" abilities which keep reminding me of this stuff. I hate myself for struggling with this so much. I believe this is the worst symptom of my cptsd. There's no solution to it.

Just writing this has made me anxious I tried forgetting about religion but it keeps coming back, there's always something that triggers me!