Quote:
Originally Posted by darkside8
Following last session, my mood/emotional state has been going downhill and back to square 1. I think it may have something to do with T making me become aware of my defences and considering dropping them slightly in order to think about how I can move forward. I have been trying to these past few days because I know I must, otherwise I’ll get no where, but it’s been overwhelmingly difficult and painful. I’m worried if I tell her this week that dropping these defences has been really painful and begin to talk about my real feelings, I may get really emotional.
I do understand it’s ok to, but the image I’ve created of myself to her and as I do with others will make this emotional side of me an uncomfortable moment. I let loose completely on my own at night, the most vulnerable I can be, always, and so for that to happen outside of my bedroom and with someone else present right in front of me scares me. My T seeing my vulnerability on that level is uncomfortable, and that is in no way about her as a therapist. She’s amazing. May help to mention that T and I are both aware I find it hard to openly and honestly share my feelings due to lack of experience of doing so. But I know she needs to see some form of it in order to provide the support I really desperately need right now.
How have you dealt with this? When was the first time you got emotional during a session? How was that dealt with? What were your thoughts and feelings after? (if I’m discussing something and feel myself getting emotional, I can imagine I would say ‘f***’, following ‘I can’t do this’! and then maybe try to laugh it off)
If you also want to answer this, please do so as it somewhat relates:
How do you behave in therapy? What’s your personality like? Really chatty? Moody? Quiet? If that makes sense.
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I could have easily written this except I don't cry in my bedroom, I prefer to cry alone in my bathroom. I have been in therapy for 2 1/2 years and T has seen me get emotional only a handful of times, the first time being after a visit from a friend of mine with her family. She was verbally abusive to her kids and it triggered some serious stuff for me. T's compassion about my situation was enough to make me cry and I felt better and closer to him afterward but it took me a long time to get to that place and I am still not comfortable with doing that often. I fight showing sadness in front of him. My advice would be don't try to force emotion or force lowering your defenses. There are reasons why those were originally put into place and it takes time to realize that maybe they aren't needed any longer.... trying to force yourself to get past them can cause more problems in the long run. I like to think about the movie "What about Bob." Lol. Just focus on baby steps. Maybe just tell your T how something makes you feel, eg. "This topic is making me sad. I know that I can't cry but a part of me wants to."
To answer your other questions, my behavior in therapy is a combination of goofiness and business. We joke around a lot but tackle serious subjects. T is good about monitoring my feelings and lightening the subject when I start to shut down. I have zero problems with silence so there are times when it gets really quiet in there but for the most part it is a lot of back and forth. Basically, my therapy is a little bit of everything....
