eskie makes some good points.

My concern is that what you are witnessing has been unhealthy for you in that you get this urge to do something bad to make it stop, like having that desire to throw something sharp. Thats a lot like how your mother is handling things which as you can see is not healthy.

When you talked about getting something sharp and throwing it, that is what my older sister did and I was very little. My sister got angry at some children that were playing with her and my older brother and she decided she wanted them to eat ants. Well, they would not do that so she went in the house and got my father's samuri sword and brought it outside and began waving it around and threatening these other children.

My parents used to fight too, and dinner was always stressful because they fought a lot about dinner and my father demanded my mother set everything up so whatever he needed was right in front of him. My father always criticized whatever she cooked too, and my mother was very busy in that she worked, and had to take care of three children, and even before she worked she was very busy taking care of three young children and he never helped very much. Anyway, there was one night that at the dinner table that my father was being a jerk again and my mother stood up to him and he got so mad he threw something that dented the nice table and then he picked up his end of the table and all the food, everything slid down into my mother's lap. I was so scared they were going to kill each other I ran out of the house to my neighbors and told them "I think my father is going to kill my mother". I have never forgotten that experience and the fear I felt. And I think that because I ran to the neighbor that way so terrified, that my parents got embarassed when my neighbors talked to them.

My older sister still can get angry and act badly. Ironically, in a lot of ways she is like my father was. Actually, one thing I noticed as well is how she even positioned herself at the head of the table, the very end of the table my father sat at and her husband actually sits at the very end my mother sat. She is the same way where she has to have all the control and everyone has to do as she says or she practices all kinds of unhealthy punishments. Also, when someone tries to stand up to her? She just gets more toxic and punishes even more, will even go into a rage in front of other people, doesn't matter. So, often her behavior triggers that same fear in me that night when my parent's behaviors frightened me so badly, even when I was so very little and saw her weilding that sword in anger the way she did with those other children.

It's important that you don't end up behaving like your mother. So, when you get that urge to grab something sharp and throw it, know that is WRONG and all you are doing is the same thing you see your mother doing.

I have been doing some reading, something I tend to do a lot and one thing I recently read is that you along with your challenge is as risk of reaching out to the wrong people where you get hurt and victimized. At least there is a lot more information available now when it comes to figuring out how to deal with "toxic" people, what your parents are doing in front of you is "toxic". It's good that you found this support site too because there are a lot of articles that you can read and there are others that can listen and offer support to you too. I didn't have that when I was young so a lot of times I had to figure out a lot of things on my own and I have reached out to toxic people not realizing it simply because I was so young and niave and vulnerable.

I know you are not sure what you want, that's ok, the important thing is you have found a way to vent and get support instead of feeling so alone with this challenge.

Tell me, are you going to school? Because if you are, you can talk to the guidance counseler and let her know what you are experiencing and ask where you can get some help.