I had sent my therapist a brief email on Monday saying it would be nice if he could send me a response saying he was looking forward to talking to me on Wednesday. He used to do this in the past. He said the email made him smile. As I’ve mentioned before, he no longer responds to emails, but repeatedly tells me that he looks forward to my emails and that they are welcome. So I knew he would not reply, but I sent it anyway and I told him that it doesn’t feel good to make myself vulnerable and then be met with silence. T said that that brings the feelings up and then the goal is to discuss them together in person, not via email. So I guess that makes sense. I have a feeling we will continue this conversation about emails every week for a long time and he seems open to it, so that’s good.

I had sent him a second email yesterday saying that I occasionally look up other therapists and imagine what it would be like to see them. I imagine them being perfect and understanding me right away. He replied that he perceived that email as my response to his non-response to my first email, saying that when we feel hurt we often try to hurt the person who hurt us. I suppose that’s possible although that wasn’t my conscious intention.

When I got to my car I realized I had left my water bottle in his office. I’m seeing him again tomorrow morning so I’ll just get it then. Because of his style of therapy I wonder if he’ll place meaning on that - like I unconsciously left my water bottle there so he’d continue to think of me after our session. I obviously didn’t leave it on purpose, but I do like the idea of him thinking of me outside our session.