Today’s session ended up going in a different direction than expected. R and I sat down, and she asked how I had been.
‘I feel as though I have only just understood that it was deliberate, and I don’t know how to deal with that.’
‘Did that come out of last session?’
‘Yes. I envy people who can express anger well. You asked me last week to describe anger…’
‘Yes.’
‘And I realised afterwards that I was describing my ideal form of anger. I want to be able to control it.’
‘They saw the pain I was in, and wanted some of that for themselves, or wanted to add to it. That is not friendship.’
‘That is not friendship.’
‘I trusted them and they…I hate this word…abused that trust. They turned me into a doormat.’
‘You became a doormat. I have just heard you say that you did not deserve this. There is a lot of power in what you are saying today. Do you feel that?’
R remarked that she was thinking about when we first met, and how I recounted the events without any emotion. There was a timeline, and these things happened, but I didn’t feel anything. Now I am feeling, and that is scary.
‘I feel like the language I am using is a shield to prevent me from feeling, in the same way as the timeline was a shield.’
R asked whether I felt like I could shout at her… ‘Well, not at me, but if that would help you feel better.’
‘I couldn’t do that.’
‘That is very strong – is that because you are concerned that I would take it personally, or because you don’t want others to have to see you angry?’
‘Language is all I have. Language is beautiful, and should not be weaponised, and they even managed to weaponise ‘She knows you worry.’’
‘I’ve read some of your work. You use language so beautifully in your poetry…are you concerned that expressing this anger will turn you into somebody you’re not?’
‘Yes.’
‘You know how much I hate making comparisons.’
‘Yes.’
‘Well…even in the…I can ****ing use the word if I want to…’
‘You tell them!’
‘Even in the nightmare of Chris’ illness, there were many good, wonderful, cherished experiences. This feels like freefall. With this, there is nothing to hold on to. Everything I could grab on to would rip me to shreds.’
I continued. ‘The right words in this situation feel wrong in my mouth.’
‘That is very powerful. The right words in this situation feel wrong in your mouth. Are they swear words?’
‘Yes. If I were to pass them in the street, I would use them’
‘But otherwise, they feel uncomfortable in your mouth? Is there a block because you don’t want other people to see you angry?’
‘Yes, but if it’s toxic in the air, what is it doing to me?’