I am scared to go to sleep and I I told my therapist that. I started talking about how my current emotions match those that I felt in high school and I don’t understand why and so it is excruciating. We did EMDR on high school fears and thoughts, and current, and connecting the two. I realized the feeling I am feeling is the biggest one. It is the one rooted farthest from reality and it is the most difficult to experience or process. I can’t make it stop and I don’t know if meds can turn off evil. but I couldn’t do that to my family, especially my son who, in his autistic mind, worries about me dying incessantly. I hate myself. I really do. I loathe myself. In the here and now, I just want to be alone.