((SorryShaped)) - I am so sorry that any one has ever said that to you. It is so wrong...

Under*Over thank you, I am sorry.

I can try this again, I don't want to be told what to do... right now I am trying to understand.

Today, after I caught my thoughts--
I realized that I was having beliefs and suspicions that some irl people- want me to commit suicide- that they want me to do it- and they have communicated this in a non-verbal way, as it is communicated by "it's why they do what they do". At times, I have thoughts that everyone at times are involved with the plot and it makes sense, and I try very desperately say it's not so. And yes, a part of me says- "Sure you can lie to yourself, but it's true".

Coupled with that, there has been thoughts at times "signs" that add up in my life- that I should go through with it. go home ... I can't recall right now, but a week or a few days ago, or last weekend I felt like I needed to go "home". Home is not here, home is my energy going to a peaceful place some where "out there" but it is peace. i told myself, I am quitting smoking, and that I knew already I would get moody.

Today I caught my thoughts --- and I wondered-- does other people with bipolar relate? does any one understand? Does THAT sound Bipolar? because I just don't know any more right now.

I have wrote this so many times, but I realize not everyone knows my user name.
I have seen professionals, I get my dx's which is more than one (Coexisting diagnosis of ptsd, bipolar, and traits or just also BPD).
As I got older, I wondered about ADHD but get told no on that...

I get confused, I argue at times that I am not bipolar, I am afraid of taking the meds... I am afraid I am not bipolar and I will damage my brain even more than what it is already. (and I don't make any sense if I tell this whole story but don't want to rn).

-- I wanted to reach out to inquire to others that understand that they are bipolar, that have accepted it-- if any related... I guess I just want to understand, and if any can help me with understanding.

While I understand we are all different, and One's bipolar would not look like another's bipolar, etc.. and I understand, PC is not a diagnosing tool--
however, my thoughts right now are - while the pdocs and therapists are trained, they are only yet human themselves. ... I want to reach out to others with the struggle to inquire...

I have been having a hard time the last three weeks, tomorrow is day 21 (3 weeks) that I have not smoked a cig... I told myself, don't relapse get through this and stay quit-- but I also can not deny, I relapsed so much and I am beginning to really wonder-- was first bipolar t right that I use cigs for self medicating?

I found a note in early January before I put on the patch and was still smoking, that I did feel I had no purpose,-- I recall that at times I felt hopefully hopeless too.. it is hard to explain. I always seem to be bouncy though, and that does not make sense to me

Then i went to ok, then motivated to stop smoking because I have something to live for (right) later in the month of January....

First week I was ok enough- I felt good- it was a good start that week, so much to loo forward to...,

second week hostile thoughts and so many thoughts... i started a thread in that area, I forget now specifics.

last weekend I think-- started with some sui thoughts and my "home" thoughts... this week- I have been a ****ing bouncy ball- "no care, with laughing and everything is grand", to I could fight with any one, to I am ok and here, to depressive thoughts, I cried a few times today too. moments that I feel I am not real or this life is not real-- or it's - different and hard to explain. which I believe fits the rapid cycling... i think?

I don't want to say this, but I did tell myself I wrote it down-- don't relapse on cigs, if I struggled so much to go in see a therapist again.. more than once I have taken the med bottles from the last pdoc out and thought about start taking the pills... I saw that pdoc in Nov/Dec of 2017 i think, so the pills are a year old.. right? that's no good.. but the point here is-- I am struggling to the point that I am thinking of taking them.. and yet I am still very unsure.

My ex-- my friend.. he is my only family. -- he reached out to me earlier tonight, as I was isolating myself ... even when he came over, I almost did not let him in. I have felt very off today. I have been sharing with him my struggles lately, as he is my only family.. even if he is my ex and we live in different apartments. he is near if I need someone. He wants me to contact a mental health group tomorrow.. I will try,.. I think too I need to take some time for me..

I ramble always, thanks for anyone that got here... I jsut wondered on today's thoughts... I know, go see a therapist- where i will be told in so many words, that I need to figure this out and take the meds.