I'm so sorry, tmg4me It must be very hard for you. Please don't give up. I think it's great that you're taking risks and making plans, but try to be careful. Risk is fine if it's in moderation. I'd suggest to ask a friend, a family member or someone you trust to check out on you once in a while. But from what you wrote, you should be fine. Enjoy those moments of happiness when they come. Hopefully those meds will help you to make you feel more stable. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you