I have a very weird relationship to music. I don't even care about the music I play on the piano. I mainly learn using an app and to me, practise is more like a video game.
I have to press the right keys otherwise the app will make me repeat the piece from the beginning. I don't even really hear what I play . I'm not that interested in the music. It's only about the technique, wether I can learn to press the right notes. But that's OK. It is a good distraction from negative thoughts. And probably good for the brain.
I just don't know why most music in general makes me anxious. I mean the music I listen to on my headphones . I can enjoy it but only in 10% of times I listen to it. In 90% it makes me anxious, depressed or bored. I tried listening to everything from pop, rock, classical, jazz to folk and metal. Some genres I enjoy for a day and next time I listen to it it makes me almost physically sick.

Yesterday I tried listening to classics and I almost got into panic because it felt overwhelming and as if someone was sitting on chest. "Feeling" the music seemed extremely dangerous to me, as if it wasn't safe.
It's like there's something very wrong with my brain.

I'm not hypervigilant in my daily life and I do trust most people. Instead, I'm afraid of aliens and listening to music seems dangerous. I wonder if this has something to do with how early trauma damaged my brain and emotions... I'm so weird, I don't even have normal ptsd symptoms like everyone else.
I don't have any negative memories with music, only that kids at school forced me to dance and kicked me if I stopped. On another occasion, one boy invented a hurtful song about my appearance and half of the class sang with him. It was the only time I cried at school. But I don't think it has anything to do with my current issues with music.
I remember when I was young I absolutely loved singing and dancing. But it disappeared in my teens and never enjoyed music since then. I stopped dancing after the incident at school when I was 7 or 8. I stopped listening to music at about the age of 15 and I don't know why.

It's a little confusing because I know for sure I used to like it in the past. And nowadays it's not like I simply don't like it, that's not the case. It feels more like listening to it opens old wounds or something weird happens in my brain. Something pathological. I tried googling but I didn't find anything that would explain. Does anyone have any idea?