I realize this is quite long, but please take the time to read this, i desperately need help with my feelings.
About 7 years ago, my husband brought up the idea of swinging to me (swapping partners, allowing one another to have sex with others) I thought he was crazy at first! Little by little both of us began flirting online and that seemed okay.
I didnt have any jeolous feelings as long as i knew what was going on and it was only sexual. By biggest fear was that one of us would develop feelings for someone else. My husbands reply was always that if we truly love one another, which we do, then nothing can stand in the way of that. We talked for a year before deciding to try it...we both looked at swinging as sex and fun and nothing else.
This went along fine until nov. of 2001 We met this couple (i will call them Jon and Prissy) *names have been changed.
We began seeing quite a bit of them, we talked to them on the phone quite often, my husband would talk to prissy and i would talk to jon, although all four of us would never hardly be together at the same time. I would travel to see him and she would travel to see my husband.
I have never liked prissy from the first time we met, I did not like the way she acted at the clubs we went to nor the way she acted in general.
My husband seemed to enjoy the attention he was getting from prissy and i liked jon so i dismissed my feelings for prissy and kept them to myself.
The holidays rolled around and we were spending more and more time with jon and missy and not as much with one another. One of us was always on the phone or on line talking with one or the other of them, however prissy and i talked as little as possible. We spent part of our christmas with jon and prissy, i even bought and picked out her christmas gift from my husband to her. I was growing jealous and my husband and i are beginning to have problems at this point, because i feel he treats her better than i, doing things for her he would not do for me, etc. She is also jealous of me for the same reasons. I did like the attention that jon paid me, he appeared to be romantic, caring, etc.
Right after the holidays, Jon found out about a relationship i had in the past with someone of interacial background. He completely went crazy and threatened me with photos he had, he literally blackmailed me and I was now afraid to leave him. He berated me, belittled me, tried to kill my self esteem, even succeeding in this for a while, I was afraid of him, afraid he would take these photos to my familly, friends, etc.
These photos for taken for fun and of a sexual nature, of course i wanted no one seeing them. Jon told me that he would send these to my family, they would know our "secret"
That he would post them all over my small town, he even went so far as to print these out and place them in an envelope and set it on his desk while i was there one weekend. This terrified me, i was terribly afraid he would actually do it. He called me terrible racist names, put me through hell the whole time i was with him. I thought of just leaving, but he had the photos, and by the way he was acting, i was sure he would use them.
Before I left jon that terrible night, he apologized and expected everything to be okay. I went along because, well, he still had those pictures!
Once i got home and told my husband all that had gone on, he felt i had brought it all upon myself for even telling jon the truth about being with someone of another descent.
My husband did in fact mention that I should not tell him this, but i felt i needed to be honest. My husband felt i had not listened to him.
We both continued to see Jon and Prissy, my husband seemed happy with seeing prissy, and jon could be nice at times, i felt trapped at this point.
Valentines day rolls around and we plan for me to go see jon and for my prissy to come see my husband the weekend before the big day.
I usually dont get much of a valentines day gift from my husband, maybe a bag of candy still in the shopping bag is about as romantic as he gets, except for when we were dating he surprised me with diamond earrings.
He has explained this to me that he just isnt the romantic type, he is the practical type, also he didnt need valentines to show how much he cared for me. Although, i rarely saw roses or much of anything of the romantic sort from him.
Before valentines i saw the reciepts for his gifts for prissy...He had gotten her lingerie, gold earrings, several dale earnhardt collectibles, card, flowers. And he shopped for these things a week in advance! He actually paid attention to her and got her things he knew she would like ( the dale earnhardt things) And then on the day before Valentines, he broke our bank account to send her a 60.00 dried flower arrangement and had it be delivered ON Valentines day, this was very important to him. I even helped him a little on this!
I figured he must have gone all out for me if he did this for her!
I could not wait to spend a romantic valentine with my husband, i had been feeling down about his feelings for prissy not really knowing what they were, he is not a talker, and will not talk to me about his feelings.
He had in fact developed feelings for prissy and despite everything i had been through had developed feelings of some strange sort for jon.
On valentines day, my husband went to the store to get my gifts...he came home with flowers, candy, and a really beautiful card. It was the most he has done in years. But his thoughts of me were what i feel like "last minute" and "i have to because i got prissy something"
I felt hurt, rejected, that this was not how he told me he felt about valentines, and frankly, i can not forgive him for this.
Im afraid that all our valentines in the future will be ruined because of this past one in 2001.
We continued to see jon and prissy and i continued to push my feelings to the back, my jeaolousy would blow up occasionally and my husband and i would have a big fight.
I once asked him to stop seeing her, but he would not. He would not even discuss it.
And we always had a rule, or so i thought that if one of us was unhappy we would stop.
Things continued to get worse with jon and i until i finally ended things, not caring in the end if he did mail the photos or not.
This in return caused prissy to stop seeing my husband, at jon's request.
I went so far as to prove to my husband that prissy was lying to him, and i did indeed prove this to him.
We stopped seeing jon and prissy in july of 2001.
I will occasionally ask my husband if they still have contact, he sais no, she forwards things, etc.
I have recently learned that they have in fact been having contact. She forwards him things, email, etc. I know they dont meet in person, or any of that, or dont talk on the phone, just short email or icq messages.
my husband knows how i feel about prissy and knows that he is hurting me yet he continues to do so.
i wrote him a letter asking him to break all ties with prissy. I do hope he will do that.
I really need help dealing with my feelings about all this, Im so afraid my marraige is in jeapardy. Im crying all the time, and things just arent the same between my husband and i.
Before meeting them this past year, we had been married 8 years, very happy years, we have three wonderful children. I dont want to give this all up. There is no way I will enter the swinging lifestyle again.
I need some advice on how to deal with all of this, Ive been taking paxil for some months now and I still am not myself.
I want to move forward in this new year without jon and prissy in our lives at all.
please, any help or advice would be much appreciated...
kimeejo