Last week my T called me about 3 hours before my appointment to tell me that his wife had to urgently go to the hospital and that he had to cancel our session. So I was anxious all week about whether he'd be back and I didn't really trust the situation until I actually saw him.

I got to his office, went inside and saw his door being slightly open, which helped to calm me a bit.

He got me from the waiting area only a minute or so after. I was glad to see him. He asked me how I had been. I was quiet, but started shaking and crying. He told me to just say what's on my mind. I replied that I had been scared he'd not be back the whole time. He asked why and I said because his wife had to go to the hospital. He told me that she was fine now, she's on some medication and has started working again as well.

I continued to be restless. He asked me what's going on and I told him I'm scared. He told me to stay in the moment, how am I feeling right now? I said I feel sick, am nervous, hot and sad. He said he's back, so... He asked why I'm moving this much. I said it calms me down, but he replied that it doesn't look calm at all. I said that if I don't move I feel like hurting myself, moving helps against that.

He told me to stop distracting myself (it sounded way nicer than that though). I stopped moving and he asked me what I'm feeling. I said my leg feels funny and he asked which one. I pointed to it and he wanted to know what I'm feeling, which was tingling and a general feeling of wanting to hurt myself there. So he told me to concentrate on that spot of my leg, to just feel whatever I'm feeling there. He said to focus on that and if there's thoughts to accept them but always get back to focusing on my leg. I did that for a while, he continuously talked to me and asked how I was doing, whether I managed to concentrate on it and so on.

After some time, he told me to shift my concentration to the other leg and later on to my arm. I did both of those. While focusing on my arm, he asked what was going on in my head. I told him I had recently thought about my new job as well as my mom. "So, you're head is all over the place?", he sounded disappointed. I said that actually I'm concentrating fairly well, he just asked about my thoughts so I told him.

He repeated to tell me how to focus on the experience of my body and to not pay too much attention to my thoughts. I said it's like mindful breathing and he said yes. But he said that normally you start out by being mindful about your body, not your breathing. i said breathing is easier so we switched to that. Again he instructed me a bit on what to concentrate on and how to exactly do it.

I managed to remain fairly calm during these exercises.

He then got back to earlier and mentioned that I had been scared last week. He asked me what I did about it. I said at first I tried to talk to my boyfriend, but he had to leave for work and also didn't seem to really get it. Then I first cried and after tried various forms of distraction. But nothing really worked. Finally, at night I didn't manage to sleep and hurt myself after a while to calm myself down. He asked why that was and I told him that usually I think about him at night. It helps to calm me. He said he thougth that's a good thing. That it's positive that I manage to form an image of him in my mind and that it helps to ease my anxiety.

I replied that it was hard to do because I felt like he'd never be back, so it made me feel more anxious. He told me that he's here now and that he's not leaving. That I should focus on that, on the moment I'm experiencing now. And to save it for later, so I can recall it in my fantasy and use it to calm myself. I really appreciated that he told me that it's okay to do that and even encouraged it.

I told him that I felt really alone last week because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I felt like I didn't have any friends. I said that everyone abandons me after a while and that I felt he'd do the same. And that it'd be horrible to not be able to say good bye to him and to just see him one last time. He said: "I know" in a really soft and caring way.

At some point during my crying he also got up and got me a tisuse. It all felt very caring. He also asked about what he could do better in order to not have me worry so much if something like this ever happened again. But all I could come up with was reassurance that he'd be around the week after, and I already got this this time, so we both weren't really sure on what to do.

After that, we discussed my new job for a bit. I also asked him about whether I could still contact him to schedule phone calls in case I need those and his policy on that is still the same. Finally, I managed to look at him for a while, which felt really nice. Then he checked with me whether I'll manage to be around on Friday's usually, due to me now having a job, and then we said good bye for the week.