Im feeling a good bit better today. Im cautiously optimistic that this... will stay.

Its weird but... Im feeling so different. Its odd how quickly my attitude about even big things can change when my mood changes. The changes are so intense. Every time on swing ends I beat myself up that I couldnt deal with it better- that I was being so dramatic... but I really... I have a hard time stopping the feelings. I can stop the behaviors the feelings suggest- even though thats sometimes really hard in and of itself- I do it because its important to me- but... the feelings. I just. Have a really hard time with. They are either very big, very THERE or not.

Anyways. I feel ridiculously better compared to how I have been feeling. The difference when this happens is always shocking. It doesnt even seem real that Ive been *trigger warning (suicidal)* the last 2 weeks. That feels ridiculous even though I know how bad those feelings were and how painful they were... but they just arent here.

And Im grateful. I really am. I hope this continues and they dont come back. Its been only a couple of days but I do have hope