((BirdDancer)) ((RagingVortex))((Fuzzybear))((Cashart10)) and thank you.

Bird Dancer I am sorry for your loss.
Not this recent incident no, just feel like - they push buttons to indicate they want to see it happen. Perhaps it is all in my head, perhaps that person is struggling and knows not what they do and I am "just senstative" ... and with people that sit back and do nothing to assist, I feel alone thus perceive they are part of the plot?

RagingVortex s -- I am so sorry. It hurts when especially a parent/parents that One is told to be there for the child, are so the opposite.
I recall one of the times that my one brother attempted, and my dad made comments that it was a "sad attempt" and "he wished he would just do it".. Those words, while not directed to me at the time, still hold so much in my mind some times. I understand my dad was upset. but -- still.

Cashart10 - can only a few times I believed in demons, this is not one of them... ((the demon I remember most was at work in the trash area, I felt it's energy and I was afraid to put the trash in the compactor -- I ended up opening the door and just tossing the bag in the cart -- sadly yes , leaving it for someone else to do)). Kept on telling myself it was a silly thing for me to even think of... and I had put so many bags in the compactor prior to this.
Some times people-- people are the "demons" -- I have human issues (ha?).

((FuzzyBear))

I took off today, I tried to self care. My ex stopped by after work, I almost forgot what I had done- I got myself a pancake. then stopped and got some facial mask from the store and did a little thing at home.. I almost forgot all about that, - I did spend a lot time in my bed room. Everything has been so loud today.

At any rate, I did submit a request through a site that my insurance popped up with being in network- I am a little confused with it.. It took -- longer than it probably should with me writing in the free text form of what I was having issues with... I still have to finish setting up the account, but they will find a therapist match I guess, with what I gave them and my insurance info.
I did see today when looking on my insurance, that the place with my last T is on the insurance site-- but that place is so disorganized, but last t was focused on trauma therapy-- any time I mentioned, I think this is bipolar- she would tell me one of two things- 1) she did not treat bipolar but could refer me, 2) She did at times question the bipolar with me, but yet also at times agreed with what pdoc wrote done.

Due to I get confused with the bipolar dx, but yet understand I "rapid cycle" with many mood shifts... And I will recognize- around this time of the year, it does seem as if some thing always happens it seems like- then April/May I start to feel -- a different thing.. but other times, I feel like I am always chaotic but then remember times where I felt ok and alright.

I am tired of it all... I get confused.

I just know-- I don't want to go back to a hospital if I fail.. they will say I need to make an appointment with a therapist before I Can go, and get into outside treatment.. so I will take those steps.
I understand if I end life that I leave no option for any unknown things, but -- just hard at times to understand that, and feeling trapped and --- some what like this is not going to get better. *yet - I can be so optimistic too at times. even recently I have been.. I don't understand at times. ((Other times I get it I think, but not today))).

I still feel on edge at times -- like it does not take much.. next week at work will be busy and I really need to be able to put on a mask with this all.

But I will try to take care this weekend-- pull out some old worksheets and do some DBT refreshing to at least attempt to help myself. I will be mindful not to drink alcohol and to not smoke a cig.. though I tried to get one from my ex tonight. He would not give me one.

I did do laundry and my bedding today.. I am confused, because my apartment is not really that bad looking- I have been trying to maintain everything-- last week, my ex helped me put dishes away and dirty ones in the washer because I had let it go.. but I did ok this week I guess. .. I get confused, because I was so happy a few days ago, then boom "Secret messages to go kill myself"- and today ok enough.

I am sorry, I ramble-- I have been on this site how long? -- sure. some improvements but still such a struggle.

A part of me wants to convience the other part of me to "get with the program" and go on meds.. but I am afraid to.