Bryan,

I don't know how to explain it more than what I tried to in my original post. I don't feel like I fit in--never have--in the man club. I'm not a typical guy. I know I should be okay with that, but I just feel like less of a man. And I feel like such a p-ssy for admitting that to all of you, too.

I was terribly shy as a kid, so I didn't make friends easily. I'm sure some misread 'shy' for 'stuck-up.' Even as a first-grader, I didn't feel like a 'real boy.' My parents made me wear church clothes even to school whereas the other boys wore just jeans and a t-shirt. I didn't play rough and tumble. Don't know how. I failed recess. I failed the social aspect of school. Presently, I get along with adults--but my workplace is predominantly women. I get all nervous around any man other than my brother and my best friend.

In junior high I worked on a crew of guys on a farm de-tassling corn. You rural guys know what that is. Anyway, each of us would be assigned a number of rows--so you work alone. At lunch we'd all meet. I walk to get my lunch and some assface sings (this was the 80s) "Stroke me stroke me," while the rest chime in with "stroke, stroke." I was humiliated in front of all my peers as well as the adult men supervising the crew. I didn't just want to disappear--I wanted to die.

So Bryan, that's just ONE day from my life growing up. EVERY day was a variation of that humilation. Even at times in college. And I didn't do anything. . .never provoked anyone. . .never gave anyone a look--I simply existed. I'm white as were 99% of the population where I grew up--it wasn't racism. It was me.

Scott