Its weird. Even when I am feeling suicidal... I never cry. When I was last psychotic- and terrified out of my mind- I cried only twice and neither was for more than a couple minutes and even that felt... forced. Like I was freaking out- unable to respond to the freakout- but felt that crying would be healthier than so I forced a couple of tears out. But it didnt feel real.

I am basically unable to cry. I cry at deaths and I cry at movies occasionally- hut that feels different. I dont... I dont cry at things that happen to ME. That reaction for some reason just- doesnt happen. I get crushed. I get sad. I turn the lights off and huddle in the corner in pain. Like my chest feels like its sinking to the floor and everything feels horrible and I feel like some sort of freakish monster who deserves and I hate myself and feel just the most awful things. But I dont cry.

But I kind of wish I could. Crying can be so cathartic. And sometimes I feel like... I need that.

But Im broken somehow when it comes to crying. I replaced it with at a time when I was too vulnerable and Im just not sure if I will be able to get the ability to cry back.