I feel like the therapist didn't understand why I looked the names up as a hypervigilant thing. And this in turn makes me feel like she sees me as bad. And it only makes me want to look up the names even more. Because, since she sees me as bad and doesn't seem to understand why I did it as a hypervigilant thing, it shouldn't be a problem if I continue doing it. She did express that she understands why I do it, but she still said it's wrong. That makes me feel bad. I don't think it's wrong.

I have this image of an obese person continuing to shove food down his throat because people see him as obese and nobody cares. Since nobody cares, why not continue shoving food down his already obese body?

I look people up. It's just what I do. Professors, acquaintances, peers, bosses, coworkers. I need to cover my back. I hadn't been on Skype in two weeks and when I got on it, I saw these names. If I can see these names, then these people can see my name, too. Of course I had to do something about it. It was already too late to delete my Skype account.

And there's this satisfaction about looking people up. Not only does it make me feel safer because I get an idea of who and what I would be up against, but it helps me accept my fate and reality - specifically my fate that I'll never have the kind of normal lives that people have - to be a part of a family or have a family. The more I see it, the more it hurts, but the more it helps me to accept my fate and reality and let go of empty hope and useless trying.

So it's not like I looked up the names purely out of curiosity or to snoop or be nosey. I did it because I'm a pathetic individual.

If this makes any sense at all...