Earlier today I had a two hour session with my H, the child consultant in our divorce (a therapist herself), and our communications coach, who is also my T. I guess one could say the session went OK. We talked about a number of difficult issues, such as our kids' exposure to my H's use of pornography. We were unable to get to all the issues, so we'll be having one more meeting.

I feel depessed after that meeting, very down. It went OK, I guess. In some ways, the meeting was quite boring to me. What does it even mean to think this meeting was boring? These are really critical issues, and I feel bored?

Now I'm just depressed. I tried very hard to keep my own issues out of the discussion, as the focus was the kids. I want what's best for the kids, for example, being protected from my H's porn, but I have my own issues and feelings about that, which I had to shunt aside. I think back to the many times I tried to have serious discussions with my H when we were still together, such as about how many freedoms to allow the kids, how to help them do better in school, how to discipline them, etc.--typical parenting stuff. These discussions were always in the bedroom, he would be sitting at his computer, and watching porno movies when I tried to have these talks. Sometimes I would be right in front of him, looking at his computer, and he would have his back to the screen, and I would have to try to focus on what he was saying while behind him graphic sexual movies were playing. The whole issue is a hard one for me and brings back many memories of these hurtful and disrespectful episodes, as well as others. I think I did a pretty good job of keeping "me" out of the child discussion today. That's my problem, my baggage. And we did establish some guidelines for the kids.

I just found it all depressing. Maybe having to put aside my feelings has resulted in feeling down. Stuffing feelings inside equals feeling depressed? Depression fosters numbness, which is protective? I don't know. Unfortunately, we have to have another meeting like this. Not a good day.