Does anyone else have an issue with self destruction?

I mean not in an episode. I feel like I am in a fairly good space but Im destroying it on purpose.

I dont understand and I dont know how to stop. Sometimes I think I should call a help line or my pdoc or therapist or even my GP who I like. I just cant, I dont think they could help me anyways. The only time anything helps is when i'm IP.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves right? So what if that person is you?

I have had a really hard time taking my night meds ever since


I take my morning meds but the association issue is so bad with the night ones I feel extremely nauseous and gag on them. It can take me hours to get them all down. Now I have skipped 3 nights out of the past 4.

My sleep has been less than great and my pdoc was very insistent that I use the seroquel after a couple nights of not sleeping well to keep myself stable. I havent even filled the prescription.

I also drank tonight. Only 3 beer but I hadnt drank in almost 2 months since my last episode which ended with a lot of very bad alcohol abuse.

My main thought is this. I dont see any good future for myself, I dont know if I see any future for myself at all and most of all I dont even know if I want a future.

Mostly I feel good. Work is good, family is good, I am healthy and have a great team of professionals working with me now. But still something feels wrong and whatever that is doesnt bother me as much when I allow the self destruction.