Yes Wander, plenty of things I can think of unfortunately. I remember in junior high i would walk across the highway without looking on purpose. It goes way back.

I love drinking the most, I enjoy blackouts. Most people cant understand that, its just more like death than sleeping and I get to feel extra happy for a little while then there is even the possibility of an attempt which most of the time I think could be a good thing.

I also took a lot of random pills when I was in highschool like larger amounts of advil tylenol etc mixed with alcohol and weed.

I costantly feel the need to change how I feel. I either feel good and want to ruin it or feel bad and want to make it better. Unless im on the manic side of things that is something else causing me to self destruct.

Therapy is not helping, its been largely useless to me so far. I dont know how to make it more useful because i want to ruin myself!!!! How the f*** are you supposed to try harder when you want to do the opposite. Plus my pdoc and gp seem to get a lot farther with me than my t does so thats not great.

I had 10 years where I was mostly depressed but staying out of trouble raising my kids and then I decided to "get help" and now im f***ed. They want me to believe that their meds didnt make me this way but i dont trust anyone at all except my husband and i cant even listen to him most of the time.

So my stupid bleak future that everyone tells me can be great? Not sure i want it