I honestly would not have thought that was a possibility right now. My depression normally comes with sleeping 12+hrs not sleeping too little. And usually I drink more on the upswing.

But usually if im going up im happy at first the self destruction doesnt start for a while. And I did have a week where I felt truly good before the depression and I had none of these thoughts.

I was depressed, we upped the lamictal on feb 1 because I was feeling like this. Gp said I was depressed, pdoc said I was depressed, I agreed because I was lethargic and unmotivated. That has improved but the thoughts are still here. And im always more likely to act on my bad thoughts the less depressed I am.

I am going to try to look at it like that. As if Im actually getting better right now because maybe thats true. If I let myself continue doing this Im not gonna get better and I am trying to believe that is possible. My new pdoc is the best, her and my gp are so hopeful for me. I want to be hopeful I just have never had much of a reason to feel that.

I see my gp in a week and pdoc in 2. We are gonna see how the lamictal increase is working and if we need to add an antidepressant then. I can make it 2 weeks.

Thank you!
You guys are seriously the best, I really appreciate everyone. Sometimes I am not able to listen but when I can this group makes a huge difference